Coping With Guilt & Grief

Instagram Post 11/19/19

One of the first and only bump pics I took with Liam💙 I sadly didn’t take many photos of the bump, be it because I had my hands full momming my toddler or the intense morning sickness/exhaustion or because at our 12-week ultrasound we got bad news.

That was obviously a major turning point. After that scan, though we were mostly hopeful, a part of me started to disconnect. We did do an announcement and maternity shoot so I do have some really beautiful photos to treasure forever, but I don’t have the casual, care-free, week by week bump pics like I took with Luca. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed. In a way, after that 12-week scan, I started to distance myself and prepare for the worst, and part of that included hiding the bump.

Having experienced a previous miscarriage all subsequent pregnancies are kind of this way, at least for me, pretty much constant fear. So that coupled with the “possibility” of bad genetic news was crippling. I think not letting myself connect was a self-preservation thing/reaction to protect myself. Six long weeks of praying and hoping and waiting. And then the absolute worst. It’s all so heavy.

Guilt and grief go hand in hand which is making for some really hard moments. I wish I didn’t restrict myself so much during those six weeks. But like I said yesterday, I’m leaving space for these hard moments, feeling them completely and then letting them go. Every day is different in grief and I’m still learning.

But I do know I want a Liam bump selfie to live on my blog forever, so here it is. Taken 9/30/19, 12weeks2days <3