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Giving “happy baby” a permanent feed post🥰

Giving “happy baby” a permanent feed post🥰 I can’t tell you how much comfort and peace this tiny cement figurine brings to me daily. And how fitting for Luca to have nicknamed him happy baby, I think he intuitively understands.
.
I first learned about Jizo (a Japanese Bodhisattva) from a NY Times article my friend sent me just after losing Liam. The story of how he “smuggles” unborn babies into heaven stopped me in my tracks. Alex and I immediately decided we needed a Jizo statue of our own to honor Liam and our earlier miscarriage.
.
Jizo helps all travelers but I thought it was really cool how the Japanese culture outwardly honors lost babies in this way. I’m acutely aware of how our culture is a stark contrast - during pregnancy the baby is almost overly celebrated but if it dies the topic becomes one of the most taboo things you can talk about. It’s sad, especially to the grieving mom.
.
Kudos to Japan for celebrating and honoring any and all types of baby loss. There is a sort of garden cemetery in Japan I’d love to visit one day, it’s home to thousands of Jizo statues honoring lost babies. What a beautiful thing✨
.
Link to the article and our figurine (from Amazon) are in my Jizo highlight❤️

Thank you Utah, you have been so good for the soul

Thank you Utah, you have been so good for the soul💖

2019, the year in which our Liam will forever rest

2019, the year in which our Liam will forever rest peacefully💙

I wouldn’t say I’m excited for the new year like I usually am, I’m holding on to the past, but I’m also not hating the idea of a fresh beginning.

It’s both comforting and scary at the same time.

The future right now seems uncertain. I’m not blissfully looking forward to 2020 like I thought I would be on this day.

I’m not looking back on my top 9 posts so proud and happy. They almost all have to do with loss and grief and though it was real life it’s too painful to relive and repost them.

I am choosing to be grateful and hopeful.

Hopeful for healing, for health, for growing our family but never forgetting what we lost. Liam will be in our hearts always and I will forever think of the alternate timeline our lives should have been on. No one will ever replace those we’ve lost.

And despite all we’ve been through, despite all the heartache, I am incredibly grateful for this year and this decade. If you saw my stories I listed my accomplishments by year and looking at that made me smile really big.

The best one being the birth of the literal light and joy of our lives, Luca🥰 Watching him grow these past two years has been the happiest time of my entire life. It truly was a great decade full of the highest highs.

Hoping this next one brings more joy and peace. There will inevitably be more heartache which I’m all too aware of but I also know now that joy and pain can coexist.

And I’m aware that my biggest accomplishment may be simply surviving.

And that’s ok.

Lastly I want to say how grateful I am for YOU. Every one of you who messages me, prays for us, comments and likes my posts. It means the absolute world and it’s such a cool thing to be able to connect with so many of you on a daily basis. This community gives me so much support and encouragement and without that I would not be able to continue to do what I do.

Wishing you joy, peace and strength for 2020✨
———————
Art by @lianalaneart. Thank you for giving me this tangible vision of me and my baby😭 it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, symbolic of my 2019 and something I will cherish for all my years💕

Had a quiet, low key Christmas at home yesterday a

Had a quiet, low key Christmas at home yesterday and it was exactly what I needed and where I needed to be. My family came over super early to watch Luca open presents, we ate pancakes and croissant BEC’s and stayed in pjs all day🥰 Luca lovessss his new things, seeing the joy on his face while he played made me so happy. And so so thankful.
.
There really was so much joy yesterday, but the grief lingered over all of us. So grateful and so heartbroken all at once. I miss Liam so much, I mourn the life I thought we would have, I mourn the happy, care-free Christmas we would have had this year. Things would have been so different.
.
It might sound crazy but it hurts even more during the happy times because he should be here with us. I am thankful for so much, I can feel joy but I still wish my baby didn’t die. I would have been 24 weeks pregnant, literally full of life, but instead feel so incredibly sad and empty💔
.
I hope you all had a wonderful day, as wonderful as humanly possible for you, and that you were surrounded by supportive and loving friends and family. Merry Christmas to all❤️
.
Cutest mug by @rachel_allene

Dear mama who would rather not do Christmas this y

Dear mama who would rather not do Christmas this year,

I see you.

I am so sorry for whatever it is you’re going through - strained finances, divorce, job loss, illness (mental and physical), addiction, infertility, loss of a loved one - I am so sorry for the pain you’re feeling this holiday season.

All grief is unique, everyday is different. There is no timeline.

It’s ok if you don’t feel like being jolly this year. It’s ok if you’d rather stay home than go to a holiday party. It’s ok if you’d rather not go out at all. It’s ok if you turn off the radio every time a Christmas song comes on and if you’d rather not watch Christmas movies right now.

It’s ok if you didn’t send out Christmas cards. It’s ok if you did send out Christmas cards. It’s ok if you can’t take the pregnancy and birth announcements that fill your feed this time of year.

It’s ok if you look at that one ornament on the tree and fall to your knees, crying.

Let it out.

It’s ok if it all feels like too much. And if you just want this week to be over.

I have not walked in your shoes but my heart is hurting this season too and I want you to know it’s ok. I see you. I’m so sorry.

I know the grief is omnipresent, I know you won’t just “get over it” or “move on.” I think of it more like waves, always there, sometimes soft and calm, sometimes a raging fucking storm. The feelings welling up and rolling back out. Excruciating sorrow with small moments of joy in between.

It’s ok to feel that joy.

You might feel alone (I do) but you are not alone. I acknowledge your pain and your feelings. No one can take that pain away, maybe ever, but it is acknowledged. Know that I am so so sorry.

It has helped me to write things out and speak my truths over these last few weeks, if you want to leave your story below in the comments I encourage you to do so. I would love to hear it❤️
.
This photo was taken the morning we said goodbye to Liam. We knew we were losing him. It’s been hard to look at these photos but more and more I’m so thankful I took them.

It’s been a hard week. A lot of tough emotional

It’s been a hard week. A lot of tough emotional work. I feel utterly exhausted and emotionally drained. And then pile on top the last minute holiday shopping and prepping, sighhh.
.
I just think of how different this week would be had November 8 not happened as it did for us. Maybe I would still be living in a world of pregnancy bliss. So happy, so unaware of the existence of this life-changing pain. But Liam is gone, my baby died. I miss him so much. And I will be one of the few, if not the only, person who carries that deep pain forever. That’s been on my mind a lot lately.
.
It’s isolating. Something that I feel is a huge part of me just can’t/won’t be seen by others. I’m Liam’s mother but no one will know that because he’s not here. I was asked in the supermarket the other day if Luca was an only child. Yes, he is. And that was my reply. But I so badly wanted to tell this stranger that he was supposed to have a little brother this spring. That I have one son and two babies in heaven. It’s those little, unexpected triggers that get me. The times when I’ll want to share my truth but can’t. Maybe I just have to accept that this is my pain to carry and we all have our own silent struggles, I know I’m not alone in that. Or maybe one day I will be brave enough to say it to a stranger.
.
I’m sorry this isn’t a happy Christmas post and that I am definitely not myself lately. Thanks for sticking around and reading my sort of open journal entries on here. As painful as this season is I still want to remember every bit of it❤️ #liamjamescovino #babyloss

Bittersweet sending these out this year but this i

Bittersweet sending these out this year but this is our reality, family of three with our angel Liam in heaven. This card to me is us acknowledging his life and remembering how special and how hard 2019 was. This is us✨
.
It’s not too late to order cards from @minted they’re offering 20% off through tonight and free delivery by 12/19!

Just wanted this special capture to have a permane

Just wanted this special capture to have a permanent spot on my feed🌲🥰 I stopped this morning to admire the beautiful trees covered in snow, snapped a few photos and caught this orb out of nowhere. Whatever it was it was comforting and peaceful, a deep calm came over me and I, without even thinking, said “Hi Liam.” Then the one orb turned into two (swipe to see), which to me meant my two angel babies have found each other in heaven. Such a simple thing like taking a photo of some trees turned into a crazy profound experience for me. Super unexpected. I’m so thankful for it, the days are hard and sometimes I just feel like the grief will swallow me up, so I’m very thankful for the little, unexpected ways I’m reminded of Liam. It brings some comfort. Anyway, more a post just for me to always remember this special experience. Hi my babies, until we meet again❤️

Shatterproof ornaments FTW🙌🤩 If it wasn’t

Shatterproof ornaments FTW🙌🤩 If it wasn’t for these I think we’d have a bare naked tree this year bc, well, #toddlerlife #ifyouknowyouknow 😂
.
Two things! One- my gift guide for HER is live on the blog and is jam packed with awesome gift ideas (so excited for this one!). And two- featured in the guide are my all time favorite wrap bracelets and boho cuffs which are on MAJOR SALE! Buy one, get one free (regularly $39-$49)🤩 They’re super versatile and would be a unique gift, plus they ship quickly!
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Click “GIFT GUIDE: HER” in the link in my bio to shop these bracelets &more!!💗 http://liketk.it/2I1Kk @victoriaemersondesign #partner

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Giving “happy baby” a permanent feed post🥰

Giving “happy baby” a permanent feed post🥰 I can’t tell you how much comfort and peace this tiny cement figurine brings to me daily. And how fitting for Luca to have nicknamed him happy baby, I think he intuitively understands.
.
I first learned about Jizo (a Japanese Bodhisattva) from a NY Times article my friend sent me just after losing Liam. The story of how he “smuggles” unborn babies into heaven stopped me in my tracks. Alex and I immediately decided we needed a Jizo statue of our own to honor Liam and our earlier miscarriage.
.
Jizo helps all travelers but I thought it was really cool how the Japanese culture outwardly honors lost babies in this way. I’m acutely aware of how our culture is a stark contrast - during pregnancy the baby is almost overly celebrated but if it dies the topic becomes one of the most taboo things you can talk about. It’s sad, especially to the grieving mom.
.
Kudos to Japan for celebrating and honoring any and all types of baby loss. There is a sort of garden cemetery in Japan I’d love to visit one day, it’s home to thousands of Jizo statues honoring lost babies. What a beautiful thing✨
.
Link to the article and our figurine (from Amazon) are in my Jizo highlight❤️

Thank you Utah, you have been so good for the soul

Thank you Utah, you have been so good for the soul💖

2019, the year in which our Liam will forever rest

2019, the year in which our Liam will forever rest peacefully💙

I wouldn’t say I’m excited for the new year like I usually am, I’m holding on to the past, but I’m also not hating the idea of a fresh beginning.

It’s both comforting and scary at the same time.

The future right now seems uncertain. I’m not blissfully looking forward to 2020 like I thought I would be on this day.

I’m not looking back on my top 9 posts so proud and happy. They almost all have to do with loss and grief and though it was real life it’s too painful to relive and repost them.

I am choosing to be grateful and hopeful.

Hopeful for healing, for health, for growing our family but never forgetting what we lost. Liam will be in our hearts always and I will forever think of the alternate timeline our lives should have been on. No one will ever replace those we’ve lost.

And despite all we’ve been through, despite all the heartache, I am incredibly grateful for this year and this decade. If you saw my stories I listed my accomplishments by year and looking at that made me smile really big.

The best one being the birth of the literal light and joy of our lives, Luca🥰 Watching him grow these past two years has been the happiest time of my entire life. It truly was a great decade full of the highest highs.

Hoping this next one brings more joy and peace. There will inevitably be more heartache which I’m all too aware of but I also know now that joy and pain can coexist.

And I’m aware that my biggest accomplishment may be simply surviving.

And that’s ok.

Lastly I want to say how grateful I am for YOU. Every one of you who messages me, prays for us, comments and likes my posts. It means the absolute world and it’s such a cool thing to be able to connect with so many of you on a daily basis. This community gives me so much support and encouragement and without that I would not be able to continue to do what I do.

Wishing you joy, peace and strength for 2020✨
———————
Art by @lianalaneart. Thank you for giving me this tangible vision of me and my baby😭 it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, symbolic of my 2019 and something I will cherish for all my years💕

Had a quiet, low key Christmas at home yesterday a

Had a quiet, low key Christmas at home yesterday and it was exactly what I needed and where I needed to be. My family came over super early to watch Luca open presents, we ate pancakes and croissant BEC’s and stayed in pjs all day🥰 Luca lovessss his new things, seeing the joy on his face while he played made me so happy. And so so thankful.
.
There really was so much joy yesterday, but the grief lingered over all of us. So grateful and so heartbroken all at once. I miss Liam so much, I mourn the life I thought we would have, I mourn the happy, care-free Christmas we would have had this year. Things would have been so different.
.
It might sound crazy but it hurts even more during the happy times because he should be here with us. I am thankful for so much, I can feel joy but I still wish my baby didn’t die. I would have been 24 weeks pregnant, literally full of life, but instead feel so incredibly sad and empty💔
.
I hope you all had a wonderful day, as wonderful as humanly possible for you, and that you were surrounded by supportive and loving friends and family. Merry Christmas to all❤️
.
Cutest mug by @rachel_allene

Dear mama who would rather not do Christmas this y

Dear mama who would rather not do Christmas this year,

I see you.

I am so sorry for whatever it is you’re going through - strained finances, divorce, job loss, illness (mental and physical), addiction, infertility, loss of a loved one - I am so sorry for the pain you’re feeling this holiday season.

All grief is unique, everyday is different. There is no timeline.

It’s ok if you don’t feel like being jolly this year. It’s ok if you’d rather stay home than go to a holiday party. It’s ok if you’d rather not go out at all. It’s ok if you turn off the radio every time a Christmas song comes on and if you’d rather not watch Christmas movies right now.

It’s ok if you didn’t send out Christmas cards. It’s ok if you did send out Christmas cards. It’s ok if you can’t take the pregnancy and birth announcements that fill your feed this time of year.

It’s ok if you look at that one ornament on the tree and fall to your knees, crying.

Let it out.

It’s ok if it all feels like too much. And if you just want this week to be over.

I have not walked in your shoes but my heart is hurting this season too and I want you to know it’s ok. I see you. I’m so sorry.

I know the grief is omnipresent, I know you won’t just “get over it” or “move on.” I think of it more like waves, always there, sometimes soft and calm, sometimes a raging fucking storm. The feelings welling up and rolling back out. Excruciating sorrow with small moments of joy in between.

It’s ok to feel that joy.

You might feel alone (I do) but you are not alone. I acknowledge your pain and your feelings. No one can take that pain away, maybe ever, but it is acknowledged. Know that I am so so sorry.

It has helped me to write things out and speak my truths over these last few weeks, if you want to leave your story below in the comments I encourage you to do so. I would love to hear it❤️
.
This photo was taken the morning we said goodbye to Liam. We knew we were losing him. It’s been hard to look at these photos but more and more I’m so thankful I took them.

It’s been a hard week. A lot of tough emotional

It’s been a hard week. A lot of tough emotional work. I feel utterly exhausted and emotionally drained. And then pile on top the last minute holiday shopping and prepping, sighhh.
.
I just think of how different this week would be had November 8 not happened as it did for us. Maybe I would still be living in a world of pregnancy bliss. So happy, so unaware of the existence of this life-changing pain. But Liam is gone, my baby died. I miss him so much. And I will be one of the few, if not the only, person who carries that deep pain forever. That’s been on my mind a lot lately.
.
It’s isolating. Something that I feel is a huge part of me just can’t/won’t be seen by others. I’m Liam’s mother but no one will know that because he’s not here. I was asked in the supermarket the other day if Luca was an only child. Yes, he is. And that was my reply. But I so badly wanted to tell this stranger that he was supposed to have a little brother this spring. That I have one son and two babies in heaven. It’s those little, unexpected triggers that get me. The times when I’ll want to share my truth but can’t. Maybe I just have to accept that this is my pain to carry and we all have our own silent struggles, I know I’m not alone in that. Or maybe one day I will be brave enough to say it to a stranger.
.
I’m sorry this isn’t a happy Christmas post and that I am definitely not myself lately. Thanks for sticking around and reading my sort of open journal entries on here. As painful as this season is I still want to remember every bit of it❤️ #liamjamescovino #babyloss

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