Sorrow & Joy

Instagram Post 11/17/19

Last week among all the raw heartache and pain I felt like I would never smile again, never feel happiness again, never see beauty in anything again. How could I after losing my baby? I felt paralyzed and helpless. But there was a constant glimmer of hope, my Luca always by my side. His silliness and innocence making me smile even in my darkest moments. This little boy needs his mama but I learned that I might actually need him more.

What I mean to say is that it is somehow possible to feel sorrow and joy at the same time; that pain and beauty, suffering and gratitude can all be experienced simultaneously. We are grieving for Liam but Luca is showing us the light. He has quite literally been our saving grace, making us smile and laugh daily through our tears.

If there’s any silver lining it’s that losing Liam has brought Alex, Luca and me closer together. And shown us more grace, love and gratitude than I’ve ever known. My entire perspective (on everything) has shifted but mainly how I look at Luca and at my husband. I’ve never meant it more than I do right now when I say they are my world.

Luca has been his regular rambunctious, silly toddler self but I look at him so differently now after losing Liam. He is perfect and pure and innocent and it is an absolute miracle that he is here. That we are all here. Every birth, every healthy child is truly a blessing and a miracle. Just feeling utter gratitude for the big and the small things – a sunny day, coffee in the morning, a roof over our heads, food on our table, this life we’ve built, the child we have here with us.

They all exist at the same time. Sorrow and joy. Pain and beauty. Suffering and gratitude. There is still joy to be had, beauty to see and gratitude to feel all throughout this grief. So much gratitude🙏

I never want a day to go by where I don’t think about Liam, he’s changed our lives so immensely already and I don’t even think this is the half of it. I miss him so much, I really miss his little kicks, the pain is still so raw, but I am so, SO grateful he chose me to carry him even if it was only for a few months. Liam James, our true angel baby, forever grateful💙

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