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Spent some time at one of my favorite places in th Spent some time at one of my favorite places in the world earlier this week, with some of my favorite people, and it was so dang good for the soul 🌸 more flowering tree and shrub content comin at you this week just because! Also...⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
🌿 Mini Gifting 🌿⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
A little thank you for supporting me!! I’m gifting a personally curated gardening package to one winner, all you have to do is follow me @christinemcovino and my other account @christineandcoliving, then head to my stories for the rest of the entry instructions 🥳
Happy national gardening day 🌱🌸 may you have Happy national gardening day 🌱🌸 may you have a bountiful crop this year, whatever you grow! ((Peony tip: feed early-emerging shoots with a high phosphorus fertilizer for strong, lush blooms!)). Find more gardening tips on the blog, link is in my bio 🌿
Liam ♡ In an alternate universe we would be cele Liam ♡ In an alternate universe we would be celebrating your first birthday. You should be crawling around, playing, laughing and eating too much cake today.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
You should be here.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
My sweet boy I miss you more than words, I ache to hold you. We walked the orchard and planted flower seeds in your memory. We got winks from you in the form of the earth waking up, all the yellow blooms, including your magnolia which couldn’t have had better timing. It’s comforting to see you say hi.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
And still, you should be here.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
He was here for a time. He existed. He mattered. He deserves to be celebrated.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I loved him from the second I saw the +test. I fell deeper in love every time I saw his energetic body bounce around on the ultrasound screen, I have all the blissful bump photos and I have the memory of his sweet little kicks. God I miss those kicks.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
My love did not end when he died.⁣⁣⠀
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Liam’s ashes, a few scan photos, my memory and an index card with his footprints are all that remains. I both hate that this is all I have left and am eternally grateful that I have them at all.⁣⁣⠀
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I found some comfort today but these anniversaries are also hard. I relive the trauma. The terror, shock, fear, disbelief, agony of being told your baby is dying. So deep and so crushing. Part of me died in that moment, part of me will never be the same again.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
There is nothing in this world more painful than living without your baby. You feel the heaviness, the absence, the longing for them constantly. The grief is always there, it ebbs and flows but it changes you to your core. You adapt to feeling the constant emptiness, your aching heart, your soft but heavy eyes, the shortness of your breath, that lump in your throat.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
And yet, I feel immensely fortunate to have carried you for every moment of your life. I will never regret the time we spent together, loving you, carrying you, feeling you, celebrating you and envisioning the life you would have had. I will carry the insatiable longing to hold you until the day I die. You will always be my baby. You will always be missed. I will never stop loving and mothering you, my sweet Liam James ❤️
How did we do with the bow!? It’s growing on me How did we do with the bow!? It’s growing on me I think 🥰😍
April 3, 2021 • just us this Easter weekend 💗 April 3, 2021 • just us this Easter weekend 💗
I’m not quite sure how she turned 5 months in th I’m not quite sure how she turned 5 months in the blink of an eye 🥺 My Elora. We are doing great ❤️ we’re nursing and bedsharing and babywearing and contact napping and I’m literally soaking in every moment with her. Months 4 and 5 have been the best yet. My body knows what to do and I follow her cues. We’re super in tune and I feel like it’s making both of us happier humans.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
There is this unspoken narrative in our society that somehow attachment between mom and baby is a weakness, a crutch. I say f that, it’s one of the most beautiful strengths that exists in this universe. Period.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Mama if you’re reading this and need some validation or reassurance, I got you. It’s ok to cuddle and rock and nurse and sing your baby to sleep. Follow your instincts, tune out the noise, feel empowered in your motherly intuition and find your confidence in that. It is so incredibly liberating.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I know it’s a confusing landscape out there for new moms, I hear you, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and stress that you’re not doing something “right” or that your baby is “broken.” I’m not saying motherhood is easy for me, it’s the hardest (and best) thing I’ve ever done, but when women have the support they actually need and feel empowered in motherhood, that’s next-level world-changing stuff.⁣⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Mama knows best, never forget it ❤️
Pregnancy after loss (PAL). Wrapping up this month Pregnancy after loss (PAL). Wrapping up this month of #pregnancyafterloss awareness by answering my two most asked questions ——⁣⁣⠀
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How did I know I was ready to try again and how did I survive my PAL?⁣⁣⠀
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Well friend, I have no definitive answer for you. I don’t know how I knew I was “ready,” I just knew I desperately wanted to be pregnant again, and I do not know how I survived.⁣⁣⠀
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Contrary to what I thought prior to having my own PAL experience, I was not “better” or “healed” or “over” my baby’s death once pregnant again. I think the only thing I could do was lean into the conflicting feelings and accept that they coexist for me (grief and joy, for example).⁣⁣⠀
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I want to share with you the two thoughts that did help ——⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
1. We were not replacing our baby (Liam), we were adding a sibling. Luca would be a big brother, as would Liam. My heart would expand for another child, not an “instead” child. Truly believing and accepting this was very helpful to me in my moments of guilt.⁣⁣⠀
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2. This was the most profound realization for me: That I would love this baby whether she lived or died. How did I know this? Because the grief I feel for Liam is love. I love my babies from the moment I know they exist. So during my PAL I thought, if this baby died too it wouldn’t change that love. I embraced and accepted that. I think it’s actually what allowed me to take these maternity pictures two weeks before she was born. It wasn’t hope, it was that I loved her and would want to remember our time together either way.⁣⁣⠀
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So maybe that is how I was able to survive. One day at a time, one thought at a time, facing the hard truths, embracing the pain of loss. Because, I’ll be honest, hope was hard for me.⁣⁣⠀
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Do I have magical advice? No. PAL was hard, it was a shitstorm of emotions and I feel like I just held on for dear life. Do whatever you have to do to survive, just know you are not crazy for the feelings. You are human 🤍

More resources can be found in my PAL highlights, reels and on my blog (link in bio) under ‘baby loss.’
This sweet babe is growing so fast!⁣⁣⠀
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Our beautiful @shoplovedua bassinet has been one of our most used baby items this time around! Functional and timeless, it is an item that grows with your babe, AND it’s discounted 25% today — head over to their page to shop 🥳⁣⁣⠀
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📷: @mymotherhoodstory
Growing through it 🌿 I was thinking back and re Growing through it 🌿 I was thinking back and reflecting on the past 365 days this morning. It’s been a rollercoaster to say the least.⁣⁣⠀
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Early March 2020 I found out I was pregnant again after back to back losses. I was hopeful and relieved but also doubtful, disconnected and terrified. I spoke in “ifs” not “whens.” I felt guilt and resentment and anger but also was so incredibly grateful.⁣⁣⠀
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We were quickly approaching Liam’s edd in April, a time that I deeply dreaded, and not even one week later went into full lock down pandemic mode.⁣⁣⠀
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I was a total wreck. Things felt veryyy out of control and uncertain.⁣⁣⠀
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I did the only thing I could do, I focused on what I could control. I continued therapy, started using tools like essential oils to help me stay grounded + present and threw myself full force into gardening.⁣⁣⠀
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I quite literally and physically GREW through my anxiety, pain and grief last year. My garden kept me grounded and sane and helped me feel connected to my body and my heart, out in the garden was one of the only places I felt safe letting my mind wander and imagine a living baby in my arms.⁣⁣⠀
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Growing veggies and flowers for my family was within my control and was exactly what I needed in this situation of heavy uncertainty — uncertainty both within myself and in the world.⁣⁣⠀
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March 2020 and March 2021 Christines are very different, I’ve realized the journey isn’t TO healing, healing IS the journey, it’s doesn’t ever end. I’m proud of where I’m at and humbled to think about where I’ve come from 💗
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Christine Covino

- The Blog -

A Letter to Me Before You

March 21, 2019 / Mom & Baby

This past year has been a whirlwind. Luca just turned one last month and I find myself thinking every day, “Where has the time gone!?” I have learned so much this past year (and I still have SO MUCH to learn) and thought it would be fun to write my “pre-mama” self a letter. And who knows, maybe it will also be helpful to you!

A Letter to Me before You

Dear “Pre-Mama” Christine,

It’s 2019 and I am one year into motherhood. I have some things I’d like to share to help ease your transition and validate your feelings. This is going to be the hardest thing you ever do. I know everyone always says that but no one can really prepare you for what’s about to come. There are multiple, complex levels and layers to motherhood and it is definitely not a one-size-fits-all. You really will experience your own, unique version of it.

Let’s start at the beginning. Trying to conceive can be a very “trying” process. On you, on your partner, on your relationships, on your friendships. You will go to very dark places at times and seeing pregnancy and birth announcements will make it that much worse. Just know your time will come, and yes that’s easy for me to say now, but I truly believe in destiny. Without going through your  TTC journey you would not have Luca. And he is worth every negative pregnancy test, every period that came and destroyed your morale and every moment you felt like giving up.

“It will take you eight months to conceive. You will lose that baby..”

It will take you eight months to conceive. You will lose that baby and it will be one of the hardest things you will ever experience in your life. After all that time of trying, you will breathe a sigh of relief. You will revel in the excitement of FINALLY being pregnant, telling your friends and family, only to have to call them a week later to tell them there is no more baby. It will crush you. You will feel utterly hopeless. You will ask, “What is wrong with me?” There is nothing wrong with you. Let yourself grieve and feel the feelings. Mourn for this life and keep on going. All hope is not lost! Luckily you have a strong support system of family and friends and they will help you get through this, LEAN ON THEM. And keep going.

When you get pregnant for the second time you won’t feel the excitement. You will feel fear. You won’t let yourself become attached or even think about holding this baby in your arms one day. You know all too well that dream could be ripped from you in a heartbeat and you can’t bear the pain again. It’s ok. You will be terrified to go to the bathroom in fear of seeing blood just like the last time. It’s ok. Just take it day by day. Pregnancy after miscarriage is very different than pregnancy without that experience. Only women who have been through it before will understand so again I urge you to lean on them!

“You WILL start to love your new body.”

You will feel gratitude and joy but you will still not let yourself be excited. The first two trimesters are going to be rough: self-doubt, exhaustion, morning sickness (which is ALL DAY sickness in reality), fear. But you will get through it and you will start to love your new body. The body that is growing life, a miracle right before your eyes. You’ve never felt more beautiful in your entire life and you will finally allow yourself to envision being a mother.

Birth is a natural process for women, your body was made to do this. That will be your mantra going into your labor and the birth of your baby. Those words and that general feeling will get you through a harrowing 36-hour labor and emergency c-section. Just because your baby was born via your belly does not make you any less of a mother. I WILL REPEAT. The way in which your baby enters this world does not determine your worth as a woman or mother!

“No, this is not what you thought your first few days/weeks/months of motherhood would look like..”

Recovery will test you. Mentally, emotionally, physically. This is not what you thought your first few days/weeks/months of motherhood would look like. But this is reality. It’s ugly, it’s emotional, it’s messy. Lean on your husband (physically and figuratively) and your family for help. Take breaks when you can and don’t lose yourself! You are still YOU.

It’s ok if you don’t immediately bond with your baby, it takes time but it WILL happen. The first few months with a newborn are rough though. No sleep (but actually, NO SLEEP) and there’s no way to prepare for this, I am sorry. Just know you will sleep again eventually. Luca will be colicky, which is something will test your character and make you question if you are really cut out for motherhood. You are. YOU ARE EXACTLY WHAT YOUR BABY NEEDS! And don’t ever forget it.

“Succumb to the new status of hot-mess that is your life.”

You’re going to go through a lot of shit and it’s going to be a little while before you see the light. Just know this is all NORMAL. Everyone goes through it,  you’re about to ride the insane rollercoaster of motherhood. You’ll feel happy one second and cry from that, you’ll feel sad the next second and cry some more, you’ll feel guilty for wanting to leave him for 10 minutes and then you won’t be able to leave because you want to spend every second with him. It’s the craziest ride of your life.

And no matter how glorious early motherhood might look on social media accounts, they’re all going through the same messy newborn crap. It’s freaking ROUGH and it will take a long time to feel like yourself again. Just succumb to the new status of hot-mess that is your life. You’ll never feel like you have your shit together again. Welcome to the cyclical backlog of work, housework, and other “life” stuff. You’ll never feel “caught up” again. Anyone who says they do have their shit together? They’re liars, don’t trust them. We are ALL hot messes, all day every day!

“Do what works for you and do it unapologetically!”

No matter how much unsolicited advice is thrown your way (of which there will be a ton, just politely nod and change the subject), don’t ever forget that you are exactly what your baby needs. You are his home and you’ll get through this together. Trust your instincts. Don’t ever feel bad about your decisions, you know what’s best for your baby and family. Don’t apologize. Do what works for you. Cosleeping? Great! Nursing to sleep? Fantastic! Feeding purees? Doing BLW? Sleep training? Formula feeding? Breastfeeding? AMAZING! Again, do what works for you and do it unapologetically!

Babies don’t keep. Snuggle that baby as much as you want for as long as you can, one day you’ll wake up to them going off to college.

“Being a stay-at-home-mom is NOT easy. It’s really freaking hard.”

Lastly, I hate to break it to you, but being a stay-at-home-mom is NOT easy. It’s really freaking hard. I have been in it for one year now and it’s still hard. I love being with my baby 24/7 and watching him grow, learn and develop every day but you need breaks. Please take breaks and do not feel guilty! Go get your nails done or go get drinks with the girls, your baby will be waiting for you when you come home. He will be in good hands while you’re gone and you will feel refreshed and renewed. If you do not take these breaks you will only feel continually disgruntled and annoyed, and that pent-up emotion isn’t good for anyone!

Give yourself grace. Give yourself grace in all the aspects of your life. This is the biggest transition you will go through and it will take time to figure out your new “normal.” Give your body grace and love that body. It has not only grown and birthed a tiny human but fully sustained it (almost exclusively) by breastfeeding for 13 months and going strong. Be proud of what you can do and be confident in your decisions.

Stay strong and trust your instincts. You got this!

Love, New-Mama Christine

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Comments

  1. Holly says

    March 21, 2019 at 5:14 pm

    Motherhood never turns out to be what we think it will be like. But we learn to do what works for us and we survive!

    Reply
    • christinemcovino says

      March 22, 2019 at 3:47 am

      Exactly!! I love that Holly!

      Reply
  2. Naomi Rosenstein says

    March 21, 2019 at 5:27 pm

    Unapologetically. Word.

    Reply
    • christinemcovino says

      March 22, 2019 at 3:47 am

      Thank you Naomi!

      Reply
  3. Caitlin says

    March 21, 2019 at 5:47 pm

    “Babies don’t keep” – yes yes yes. This is so true. Beautiful post Christine!

    Reply
    • christinemcovino says

      March 22, 2019 at 3:48 am

      Thank you Caitlin!

      Reply
  4. Margaret Ruggiero says

    March 21, 2019 at 5:59 pm

    So Beautiful and touching, Love this xoxo

    Reply
    • christinemcovino says

      March 22, 2019 at 3:48 am

      Thank you so much! Spoken from the heart!!

      Reply
  5. Caroline says

    March 21, 2019 at 8:13 pm

    Gosh, I resonated with so much of what you’ve written. Thanks for sharing, Christine!

    Reply
    • christinemcovino says

      March 22, 2019 at 3:49 am

      Happy to have written it, thank you Caroline!

      Reply
  6. Michelle says

    March 23, 2019 at 1:48 am

    What a beautiful letter filled with so much good advice! I especially love the reminder of taking breaks and doing things for yourself… I wish I would have learned that earlier.

    Reply
    • christinemcovino says

      March 23, 2019 at 5:04 am

      Thank you Michelle! I agree, I wish I had this advice the first time around, self-care is so important!!

      Reply
  7. Rachel says

    March 23, 2019 at 6:22 pm

    Wow. So beautiful. I can relate to so much of this. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words.

    Reply
  8. Rachel says

    March 23, 2019 at 6:38 pm

    Gosh I can related to so much of this! So beautiful!

    Reply
  9. Brittany says

    April 20, 2019 at 11:06 pm

    I could have written almost this same exact post for my baby’s journey. From the trouble to conceive…the miscarriage…the pregnancy fear…loving pregnancy…unexpected emergency c-section…stay at home mom…unexpectedly bed sharing…similar feedings. .We actually almost named our boy Luca but ended up choosing Felix. His newborn stage was quite different than yours because he was in the NICU for five weeks due to unexpected surgery at three days old. But I had all the same thoughts and feelings and guilt. Thanks so much for sharing. It’s nice to know someone out there has experienced the same thing. So glad to have found your blog. My baby is currently 6 month old. I have loved every moment so far.

    Reply
    • christinemcovino says

      April 23, 2019 at 1:53 pm

      Oh wow Brittany, SO similar!! Congratulations! Motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, so many up and down emotions! But I wouldn’t change it for the world, it’s the greatest gift!! Thank you for sharing your story, you are one badass mama and you’re doing a GREAT job!

      Reply

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Meet Christine!

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Spent some time at one of my favorite places in th Spent some time at one of my favorite places in the world earlier this week, with some of my favorite people, and it was so dang good for the soul 🌸 more flowering tree and shrub content comin at you this week just because! Also...⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
🌿 Mini Gifting 🌿⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
A little thank you for supporting me!! I’m gifting a personally curated gardening package to one winner, all you have to do is follow me @christinemcovino and my other account @christineandcoliving, then head to my stories for the rest of the entry instructions 🥳
Happy national gardening day 🌱🌸 may you have Happy national gardening day 🌱🌸 may you have a bountiful crop this year, whatever you grow! ((Peony tip: feed early-emerging shoots with a high phosphorus fertilizer for strong, lush blooms!)). Find more gardening tips on the blog, link is in my bio 🌿
Liam ♡ In an alternate universe we would be cele Liam ♡ In an alternate universe we would be celebrating your first birthday. You should be crawling around, playing, laughing and eating too much cake today.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
You should be here.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
My sweet boy I miss you more than words, I ache to hold you. We walked the orchard and planted flower seeds in your memory. We got winks from you in the form of the earth waking up, all the yellow blooms, including your magnolia which couldn’t have had better timing. It’s comforting to see you say hi.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
And still, you should be here.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
He was here for a time. He existed. He mattered. He deserves to be celebrated.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I loved him from the second I saw the +test. I fell deeper in love every time I saw his energetic body bounce around on the ultrasound screen, I have all the blissful bump photos and I have the memory of his sweet little kicks. God I miss those kicks.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
My love did not end when he died.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Liam’s ashes, a few scan photos, my memory and an index card with his footprints are all that remains. I both hate that this is all I have left and am eternally grateful that I have them at all.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I found some comfort today but these anniversaries are also hard. I relive the trauma. The terror, shock, fear, disbelief, agony of being told your baby is dying. So deep and so crushing. Part of me died in that moment, part of me will never be the same again.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
There is nothing in this world more painful than living without your baby. You feel the heaviness, the absence, the longing for them constantly. The grief is always there, it ebbs and flows but it changes you to your core. You adapt to feeling the constant emptiness, your aching heart, your soft but heavy eyes, the shortness of your breath, that lump in your throat.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
And yet, I feel immensely fortunate to have carried you for every moment of your life. I will never regret the time we spent together, loving you, carrying you, feeling you, celebrating you and envisioning the life you would have had. I will carry the insatiable longing to hold you until the day I die. You will always be my baby. You will always be missed. I will never stop loving and mothering you, my sweet Liam James ❤️
How did we do with the bow!? It’s growing on me How did we do with the bow!? It’s growing on me I think 🥰😍
April 3, 2021 • just us this Easter weekend 💗 April 3, 2021 • just us this Easter weekend 💗
I’m not quite sure how she turned 5 months in th I’m not quite sure how she turned 5 months in the blink of an eye 🥺 My Elora. We are doing great ❤️ we’re nursing and bedsharing and babywearing and contact napping and I’m literally soaking in every moment with her. Months 4 and 5 have been the best yet. My body knows what to do and I follow her cues. We’re super in tune and I feel like it’s making both of us happier humans.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
There is this unspoken narrative in our society that somehow attachment between mom and baby is a weakness, a crutch. I say f that, it’s one of the most beautiful strengths that exists in this universe. Period.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Mama if you’re reading this and need some validation or reassurance, I got you. It’s ok to cuddle and rock and nurse and sing your baby to sleep. Follow your instincts, tune out the noise, feel empowered in your motherly intuition and find your confidence in that. It is so incredibly liberating.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I know it’s a confusing landscape out there for new moms, I hear you, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and stress that you’re not doing something “right” or that your baby is “broken.” I’m not saying motherhood is easy for me, it’s the hardest (and best) thing I’ve ever done, but when women have the support they actually need and feel empowered in motherhood, that’s next-level world-changing stuff.⁣⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Mama knows best, never forget it ❤️

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