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Happy national gardening day 🌱🌸 may you have

Happy national gardening day 🌱🌸 may you have a bountiful crop this year, whatever you grow! ((Peony tip: feed early-emerging shoots with a high phosphorus fertilizer for strong, lush blooms!)). Find more gardening tips on the blog, link is in my bio 🌿

Liam ♡ In an alternate universe we would be cele

Liam ♡ In an alternate universe we would be celebrating your first birthday. You should be crawling around, playing, laughing and eating too much cake today.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
You should be here.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
My sweet boy I miss you more than words, I ache to hold you. We walked the orchard and planted flower seeds in your memory. We got winks from you in the form of the earth waking up, all the yellow blooms, including your magnolia which couldn’t have had better timing. It’s comforting to see you say hi.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
And still, you should be here.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
He was here for a time. He existed. He mattered. He deserves to be celebrated.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I loved him from the second I saw the +test. I fell deeper in love every time I saw his energetic body bounce around on the ultrasound screen, I have all the blissful bump photos and I have the memory of his sweet little kicks. God I miss those kicks.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
My love did not end when he died.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Liam’s ashes, a few scan photos, my memory and an index card with his footprints are all that remains. I both hate that this is all I have left and am eternally grateful that I have them at all.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I found some comfort today but these anniversaries are also hard. I relive the trauma. The terror, shock, fear, disbelief, agony of being told your baby is dying. So deep and so crushing. Part of me died in that moment, part of me will never be the same again.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
There is nothing in this world more painful than living without your baby. You feel the heaviness, the absence, the longing for them constantly. The grief is always there, it ebbs and flows but it changes you to your core. You adapt to feeling the constant emptiness, your aching heart, your soft but heavy eyes, the shortness of your breath, that lump in your throat.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
And yet, I feel immensely fortunate to have carried you for every moment of your life. I will never regret the time we spent together, loving you, carrying you, feeling you, celebrating you and envisioning the life you would have had. I will carry the insatiable longing to hold you until the day I die. You will always be my baby. You will always be missed. I will never stop loving and mothering you, my sweet Liam James ❤️

How did we do with the bow!? It’s growing on me

How did we do with the bow!? It’s growing on me I think 🥰😍

April 3, 2021 • just us this Easter weekend 💗

April 3, 2021 • just us this Easter weekend 💗

I’m not quite sure how she turned 5 months in th

I’m not quite sure how she turned 5 months in the blink of an eye 🥺 My Elora. We are doing great ❤️ we’re nursing and bedsharing and babywearing and contact napping and I’m literally soaking in every moment with her. Months 4 and 5 have been the best yet. My body knows what to do and I follow her cues. We’re super in tune and I feel like it’s making both of us happier humans.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
There is this unspoken narrative in our society that somehow attachment between mom and baby is a weakness, a crutch. I say f that, it’s one of the most beautiful strengths that exists in this universe. Period.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Mama if you’re reading this and need some validation or reassurance, I got you. It’s ok to cuddle and rock and nurse and sing your baby to sleep. Follow your instincts, tune out the noise, feel empowered in your motherly intuition and find your confidence in that. It is so incredibly liberating.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I know it’s a confusing landscape out there for new moms, I hear you, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and stress that you’re not doing something “right” or that your baby is “broken.” I’m not saying motherhood is easy for me, it’s the hardest (and best) thing I’ve ever done, but when women have the support they actually need and feel empowered in motherhood, that’s next-level world-changing stuff.⁣⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Mama knows best, never forget it ❤️

Pregnancy after loss (PAL). Wrapping up this month

Pregnancy after loss (PAL). Wrapping up this month of #pregnancyafterloss awareness by answering my two most asked questions ——⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
How did I know I was ready to try again and how did I survive my PAL?⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Well friend, I have no definitive answer for you. I don’t know how I knew I was “ready,” I just knew I desperately wanted to be pregnant again, and I do not know how I survived.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Contrary to what I thought prior to having my own PAL experience, I was not “better” or “healed” or “over” my baby’s death once pregnant again. I think the only thing I could do was lean into the conflicting feelings and accept that they coexist for me (grief and joy, for example).⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I want to share with you the two thoughts that did help ——⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
1. We were not replacing our baby (Liam), we were adding a sibling. Luca would be a big brother, as would Liam. My heart would expand for another child, not an “instead” child. Truly believing and accepting this was very helpful to me in my moments of guilt.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
2. This was the most profound realization for me: That I would love this baby whether she lived or died. How did I know this? Because the grief I feel for Liam is love. I love my babies from the moment I know they exist. So during my PAL I thought, if this baby died too it wouldn’t change that love. I embraced and accepted that. I think it’s actually what allowed me to take these maternity pictures two weeks before she was born. It wasn’t hope, it was that I loved her and would want to remember our time together either way.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
So maybe that is how I was able to survive. One day at a time, one thought at a time, facing the hard truths, embracing the pain of loss. Because, I’ll be honest, hope was hard for me.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Do I have magical advice? No. PAL was hard, it was a shitstorm of emotions and I feel like I just held on for dear life. Do whatever you have to do to survive, just know you are not crazy for the feelings. You are human 🤍

More resources can be found in my PAL highlights, reels and on my blog (link in bio) under ‘baby loss.’

This sweet babe is growing so fast!⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Our beautiful @shoplovedua bassinet has been one of our most used baby items this time around! Functional and timeless, it is an item that grows with your babe, AND it’s discounted 25% today — head over to their page to shop 🥳⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
📷: @mymotherhoodstory

Growing through it 🌿 I was thinking back and re

Growing through it 🌿 I was thinking back and reflecting on the past 365 days this morning. It’s been a rollercoaster to say the least.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Early March 2020 I found out I was pregnant again after back to back losses. I was hopeful and relieved but also doubtful, disconnected and terrified. I spoke in “ifs” not “whens.” I felt guilt and resentment and anger but also was so incredibly grateful.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
We were quickly approaching Liam’s edd in April, a time that I deeply dreaded, and not even one week later went into full lock down pandemic mode.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I was a total wreck. Things felt veryyy out of control and uncertain.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I did the only thing I could do, I focused on what I could control. I continued therapy, started using tools like essential oils to help me stay grounded + present and threw myself full force into gardening.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I quite literally and physically GREW through my anxiety, pain and grief last year. My garden kept me grounded and sane and helped me feel connected to my body and my heart, out in the garden was one of the only places I felt safe letting my mind wander and imagine a living baby in my arms.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Growing veggies and flowers for my family was within my control and was exactly what I needed in this situation of heavy uncertainty — uncertainty both within myself and in the world.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
March 2020 and March 2021 Christines are very different, I’ve realized the journey isn’t TO healing, healing IS the journey, it’s doesn’t ever end. I’m proud of where I’m at and humbled to think about where I’ve come from 💗

Elora Leigh is 4 months old!⁣⁣⠀ ⁣⁣⠀ MY

Elora Leigh is 4 months old!⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
MY LORD. The joy and light this little girl brings our family🥺 If you would have told me last year that in one year’s time we would have had a baby and be living in a pandemic idk which one I would have believed less. Probably the baby. And yet here we are. Surviving through a pandemic with a toddler and a baby. AND A BABY.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
My pregnancy with Elora was one of the most mentally challenging things I’ve ever done. Pregnancy after loss is extremelyyyy difficult (for reasons I will go into on a future post). Pregnancy after loss during an unexpected pandemic.... intense to say the least.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I could not speak in absolutes about the future, as grateful and as hopeful as I was I could barely speak about being pregnant again. Yes, I allowed myself feel all the things but in a way I’m only just now starting to process everything I felt during her pregnancy (thank you therapy🙌). For much of it I was in denial that I would actually get to bring a living baby home. The trauma and ptsd from losing Liam was ever-present. I was next level terrified she too would die before I ever got to meet her. I was holding my breath and hanging on for dear life.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
So every single time I look at this girl I am still in disbelief that she’s here. She is here and she is healthy and she is thriving. The miracle that she is is not lost on me, the miracle that ANY baby is born healthy and alive is not lost on me. Every single day with my kids is a gift, as much as I lose my f*cking mindddd🤪 every day with my babies is a gift.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
These days we’ve learned to celebrate the simple things and the little things, and today that’s four beautiful and chaotic months with our sweet baby girl💕

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Happy national gardening day 🌱🌸 may you have

Happy national gardening day 🌱🌸 may you have a bountiful crop this year, whatever you grow! ((Peony tip: feed early-emerging shoots with a high phosphorus fertilizer for strong, lush blooms!)). Find more gardening tips on the blog, link is in my bio 🌿

Liam ♡ In an alternate universe we would be cele

Liam ♡ In an alternate universe we would be celebrating your first birthday. You should be crawling around, playing, laughing and eating too much cake today.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
You should be here.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
My sweet boy I miss you more than words, I ache to hold you. We walked the orchard and planted flower seeds in your memory. We got winks from you in the form of the earth waking up, all the yellow blooms, including your magnolia which couldn’t have had better timing. It’s comforting to see you say hi.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
And still, you should be here.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
He was here for a time. He existed. He mattered. He deserves to be celebrated.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I loved him from the second I saw the +test. I fell deeper in love every time I saw his energetic body bounce around on the ultrasound screen, I have all the blissful bump photos and I have the memory of his sweet little kicks. God I miss those kicks.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
My love did not end when he died.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Liam’s ashes, a few scan photos, my memory and an index card with his footprints are all that remains. I both hate that this is all I have left and am eternally grateful that I have them at all.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I found some comfort today but these anniversaries are also hard. I relive the trauma. The terror, shock, fear, disbelief, agony of being told your baby is dying. So deep and so crushing. Part of me died in that moment, part of me will never be the same again.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
There is nothing in this world more painful than living without your baby. You feel the heaviness, the absence, the longing for them constantly. The grief is always there, it ebbs and flows but it changes you to your core. You adapt to feeling the constant emptiness, your aching heart, your soft but heavy eyes, the shortness of your breath, that lump in your throat.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
And yet, I feel immensely fortunate to have carried you for every moment of your life. I will never regret the time we spent together, loving you, carrying you, feeling you, celebrating you and envisioning the life you would have had. I will carry the insatiable longing to hold you until the day I die. You will always be my baby. You will always be missed. I will never stop loving and mothering you, my sweet Liam James ❤️

How did we do with the bow!? It’s growing on me

How did we do with the bow!? It’s growing on me I think 🥰😍

April 3, 2021 • just us this Easter weekend 💗

April 3, 2021 • just us this Easter weekend 💗

I’m not quite sure how she turned 5 months in th

I’m not quite sure how she turned 5 months in the blink of an eye 🥺 My Elora. We are doing great ❤️ we’re nursing and bedsharing and babywearing and contact napping and I’m literally soaking in every moment with her. Months 4 and 5 have been the best yet. My body knows what to do and I follow her cues. We’re super in tune and I feel like it’s making both of us happier humans.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
There is this unspoken narrative in our society that somehow attachment between mom and baby is a weakness, a crutch. I say f that, it’s one of the most beautiful strengths that exists in this universe. Period.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Mama if you’re reading this and need some validation or reassurance, I got you. It’s ok to cuddle and rock and nurse and sing your baby to sleep. Follow your instincts, tune out the noise, feel empowered in your motherly intuition and find your confidence in that. It is so incredibly liberating.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I know it’s a confusing landscape out there for new moms, I hear you, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and stress that you’re not doing something “right” or that your baby is “broken.” I’m not saying motherhood is easy for me, it’s the hardest (and best) thing I’ve ever done, but when women have the support they actually need and feel empowered in motherhood, that’s next-level world-changing stuff.⁣⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Mama knows best, never forget it ❤️

Pregnancy after loss (PAL). Wrapping up this month

Pregnancy after loss (PAL). Wrapping up this month of #pregnancyafterloss awareness by answering my two most asked questions ——⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
How did I know I was ready to try again and how did I survive my PAL?⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Well friend, I have no definitive answer for you. I don’t know how I knew I was “ready,” I just knew I desperately wanted to be pregnant again, and I do not know how I survived.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Contrary to what I thought prior to having my own PAL experience, I was not “better” or “healed” or “over” my baby’s death once pregnant again. I think the only thing I could do was lean into the conflicting feelings and accept that they coexist for me (grief and joy, for example).⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
I want to share with you the two thoughts that did help ——⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
1. We were not replacing our baby (Liam), we were adding a sibling. Luca would be a big brother, as would Liam. My heart would expand for another child, not an “instead” child. Truly believing and accepting this was very helpful to me in my moments of guilt.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
2. This was the most profound realization for me: That I would love this baby whether she lived or died. How did I know this? Because the grief I feel for Liam is love. I love my babies from the moment I know they exist. So during my PAL I thought, if this baby died too it wouldn’t change that love. I embraced and accepted that. I think it’s actually what allowed me to take these maternity pictures two weeks before she was born. It wasn’t hope, it was that I loved her and would want to remember our time together either way.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
So maybe that is how I was able to survive. One day at a time, one thought at a time, facing the hard truths, embracing the pain of loss. Because, I’ll be honest, hope was hard for me.⁣⁣⠀
⁣⁣⠀
Do I have magical advice? No. PAL was hard, it was a shitstorm of emotions and I feel like I just held on for dear life. Do whatever you have to do to survive, just know you are not crazy for the feelings. You are human 🤍

More resources can be found in my PAL highlights, reels and on my blog (link in bio) under ‘baby loss.’

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